FINGER ON THE TRIGGER

I'm always so worried!

About my past, my present, my future. About my heath, my job, my money. About my friends, my family, my cats. I cling onto everything out of fear of what could happen if I loosened my grip.

Oddly enough, I also have this awareness that I cannot control everything. It doesn't take much for the oddds to shift, whether it's in my favor or not. I exist in this limbo between "fuck it, whatever happens will happen" and "if i can help it, i will determine what happens".

There's this never-ending, completely nauseating pit in my gut. It feels like I'm constantly waiting for something to go wrong, even when nothing is happening. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm actually afraid of what could happen, or if I'm afraid I won't be prepared when it does. So, I try to brace myself.

I think about every possible outcome. I replay scenarios that previously happened to see if I could have done something different. I imagine converstaions I might never have. I calculate how much money I need, how much time I have, how much I could afford to lose. I hold onto it all because letting up feels like letting it go.

I don't know how to stop worrying. I don't even know if I'm supposed to.